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| WHOA!!! i have been away from this for WAY too long that seriouslly it took me about 5 minutes to realize how to use again... my life have been overtaken by this new thing called FACEBOOK or also known as FB! hahahahahaha
but i realize sometime home is still home... and you do have to return "home" once in a while.... so here i am.....
life have been busy and exhausting..... when i arrived home around 5:18 (my boss like to emphasize on punching in the EXACT time) i am just CRASHING on the couch literally...... it is exciting to see some of the relationship i have build with my clients... they are all very precious....
but one thing i been really praying for is community and really feeling stuck in that.....
in my job... i work as a minister through counseling.... 5 days a week with kids and sad stories..... i come back home and i meet with my youth kids in church for practically the whole weekend and some week days and hearing about the difficulty surviving in a foreign country plus in HIGH SCHOOL.... i definitely don't envy them....
i realize i am just tire..... i always want to dream big.... i guess my environement i am constantly surrounded by people who want to dream big... i mean for crying out loud... i graduated from the same school as Jim Elliot and Billy Graham... and plus Fuller is known as one of the most sophisticated seminary in the US..... with the combination of that... i should become a die hard missionary or doing some intense charity work..... but i don't know... i been thinking about "gosh! i am wondering if really all i want is a stable life with 9-5 job!"
it is interesting especially so many of my friends have got engage and of course, their other half will now influence and shape their future..... some of those friends are also guys i have "special" friendship with ... if you know what i mean.... and i was thinking.... man! if i actually ended up with one of those guys, what would it happened now???? how come things didn't work??? and i realize i think i would get bored by the 9-5 job guys... yet at the same time.... i don't know if i am been too unrealistic and not practical to go as far as being a pastor's wife or missionary..... when we get what is good for us.... a lot of times it doesn't match what we exactly want......
my lesson these days is about learning how to hear from God...... and learning to beg and plead for signs for God to show me his presence....that is one of the most common question my youth kids ask me these days... and i always trying to come up one of a very theological complicated answer to completely confuse them becuase that always seem better than just telling them "i don't know"..... but i realize i truly have not heard God for a long time... or maybe i am just overwhelmed by the feeling of need to figure what i want in life... that talking to God seem like a waste of time..... ironically....
i was so touched by this new small group i went today...... i miss being with people who are 18 or older..... or at least 18 or older....... their journey and insights really touch my heart..... and recognize that God is not just formulated by bunch of theology but He is also very mystical........ and the church i grew up in never really demonstrate or model of worshiping this mystical God to me......but i am excited to realize the importance of the balance view.....
i am searching..... i hope to be found....
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| i am back home.... a wonderful weekend..... a overly "reflective" weekend as my friend Esther would say....
the stupid flight took so long becuase the orginal flight "broke down" (which was comforting to here right before you fly) but somehow by the grace of God i still manage to get home in one piece....
11:47pm.... feeling sick.... on call tomorrow so i can't even take a sick day tomorrow *sigh
too tire to write abou the weekend.... will do it later...
good night
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| i don't even know how to quite described this day..... but i know it was a mistake when i decided to sit down and watch through the whole episode of grays anatomy ....
there is the drama between relationships, life milestones, dissappointment, hard choices and loss.....
a friend ask me one time that the fact i am working as a therapist is stressful enough why would i want to watch shows like grays anatomy to add to the intensity of my life.....
maybe there is something healing to made awareness of other's pain, recognize it and accept it and maybe even cry about it sometime..... maybe somehow that normalize the pain and secretly give strength to still continue on with life with not ignorance but choosing to see hope....
another friend was making a reflection that this day of age people don't take the time to mourn anymore... i mean... we got the country believe life, freedom and the pursuit of happiness. we got movie and song declaring this wonderful pusuit of feeling happy is the ulitmate experience of life..... but there are not enough message to help those who are mourning....
we are all constantly mourning something... whether is a failed marriage, unfulfilled dream, dissappointments, broken family relationships, future uncertainty, unsatisfying career, shatter ideals, unreturn love or loss of dream... this list can go on and on and on...... but school never encourages us to mourn... our schedule does not allow us to mourn .... life is only sending messages like "you need to try harder!" "you don't have enough time" "you are wasting opportunities" "pull yourself together".....
i went to work yesterday and found out someone from work is having multiple affairs..... i think i am beginning to recognize the cruelty of life.... and unresolve pain can in result hurting so many around you...... this person have kids too which breaks my heart...... but they been not content in their marriage for a long time...... and when the pain get out of hand people find ways to cope... appropriate or inappropriate...... the fast pace of life give birth to the danger of stress which produce impulsive and reactive people..... people who doesn't have the time to be aware and to mourn......and their impulsivity and their pain has the power to destroy and also take away community and support.....
maybe it is ok to sometime just sigh (this one is for you nancy  ), to just cry, and to just take a deep breath...... or simply remind yourself to keep on breathing because at the end it will be alright..... somehow....
when it comes down to it..... in the place of mourning... it keep us humble and turn us to one another..... to our fellow wounded brother and sister..... the turn to them and recognize "you too!?" but at least we have one another and lets continue on this journey together...... experience the bitter sweet experience of life and remind one another that it will be alright....even if we don't have all the answer and even if the uncertainty of life scares us.... but it will be alright....
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| I guess the first meeting is the story that everyone want to hear.... so here it is....
We met on a sunny day.... my day started really crappy... so i decide to go out to shop becuase sometime it works and help to lift the mood.... there wasn't any direction... wasn't any plan....
but then there he was.....
I saw him... it was love at first sight..... he was glowing under the sunlight .... as if he knew that i was going to go up and say hi.....
l couldn't resist.....he was everything i ever wanted.... he was a dream!!!! i cannot complain about the appearence not let alone the inward beauty that i just felt a instant connection with...... when the question was ask.... i didn't feel like i have a choice.... i simply say yes....
Please let me introduce you to my new love...
my Honda Accord SE
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| i hate waiting in the waiting room in the doctor's office....
everyone is soooooo quiet..... as if nothing is about to happen and i feel like i am going to explode with anxiety not knowing how much pain i will be under when the procedure is over.
before this day i was so excited to be able to have couple days off work next week that i was actually looking forward to it.... UNTIL the moment i step into the office and i realize this is no joke..... people been telling me that you can get really sick from the anesthesia (one of my coworker was vomiting the WHOLE week) or you can get bad pain and have your face completely swollen .... anyways.... as i am imagin all these wonderful images my hand was getting sweaty and regret how much i actually put money to go through this!!!! but it was TOO LATE....
"Justine, are you here?" a nurse in white lab coat call my name....
she sat me on this dentist chair and hook me onto all these monitors to check my heart beat, my blood pressure, my breathing....... now i am REALLY starting to panic! COULD I DIE FROM THIS!!!!
the doctor came in and looking all calm..... he put an IV in my arm and let me know that is where i get my anesthesia and then he walk away....
15 minutes went by i am starting to get really really nervous becuase i was still not feeling sleepy from the IV..... and then the doctor walk in....
"i am not ready it, i don't even feel sleepy.... could this anesthesia not be working?" i was thinking in my head
then the doctor got this blue injection and told me that he is going to put into the IV now and put me to sleep.... i might feel like there is some tinkling in my feet but that will be it.....
the last thing i remember is the nurse try to put the mouth piece in my mouth......
i always thought anesthesia is like sleeping pills where it try to put you to sleep....
NOT AT ALL!!!! i was trying to explain it to joanne last night where it felt like i just was in the room and all the sudden i went into a completely different world... it felt like only 1 second! then the next thing i know i was awake back in the room again.... i couldn't feel my body... i can tell my brain is working but my body did not feel like mine... completely out of body experience ... and i feel more relax than ever before and HAPPY!??? wierd huh...
i think i finally got a glimpse of what people feel like when they do drugs..... it is actually pretty incredible... but also scary!
but today.... i woke up with yucky blood in my mouth and pain in my jaw!!!! i can't even barely open my mouth.... urgh.... the pain is not in the jaw... the pain is I CAN'T EVEN TALK!!!! how awful!
so i am in house arrest today.... doing whole heck of lot of nothing..... my goal for today...
1. Finish one more lesson for my online class....
2. watch "freedom writer"
3. write letter to friends
4. chat online
5. sleep
6. eat LOT OF ICE CREAM!!!!
sounds like a perfect day doesn't it....
personally i rather get my wisdom teeth pull and stay home than feeling sick!
and i didn't even puke once!!! i was super happy about that....
thanks for those who were praying!!!
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